Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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