That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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