we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
