Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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