Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
