part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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