At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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