man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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