There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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