those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
