I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
