Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
