Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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