Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
