I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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