umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
