Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
