Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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