i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
