Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
