my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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