she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
