I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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