did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
