When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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