so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
