I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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