Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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