i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
vagina is talking i cant
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
