Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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