I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
