i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
