Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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