So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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