I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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