can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
