I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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