this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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