Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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