My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
