I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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