you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
