In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
this will be a night to untag.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
