The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
