So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
