I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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