Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
