gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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