I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
