The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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