The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
