Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
