now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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