Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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